The Beatles. They are the band. The wordmakers. The rhythm finders. They poured their words, their souls, their mastery for the world to enjoy. But I didn’t realize how profound their music really was until I met V.
V and I met right after my dad died. I went off into a different space. My life was a lonely train ride. It always has been. Love has been something I always hungered for and got little of. There was the obligated love of my parents. The half ass love of my ex-husband. The two people who have been a constant source of love in my life are my sister and my daughter. My sister has her own family now. She has her own things to worry about. I cannot trouble her. Because love is a two way street. My job as the older sister is to protect her.
As for my daughter, it is the same. These past couple of years have been difficult enough on her. She was whisked away to school 300 miles away from me. For her own good they say. Meanwhile my heart breaks. But I can’t be selfish. Love is a sacrifice.
I met V and it was like being in the desert for 40 days and finally finding a fountain with clean, fresh spring water. And I didn’t know it at the time. He was just a guy. And we kept in contact only through some messages. But every time we were together it was awakening for my soul. I haven’t felt this way in so long. Since my first love.
My ex denies it and he’s probably reading this right now angry and scoffing. He admitted that he is a reader of this blog. But he didn’t treat me very well. I don’t write these things to hurt him. Or to tell the world he’s a bad person. I write these things because if they stay inside me, they eat away at my essence. My ex has his own person now. Someone who he has loved even when he and I were dating. If I step back, I don’t blame him. He loves her. And love is a powerful drug.
One day, V texted me a link to a song he liked. It was the Beatles I Want You (She’s So Heavy). I have heard it but had never payed attention to it. Him sending me the song automatically created a real connection to it.
I want you…I want you so bad…I want you so bad it’s driving me mad
It’s exactly how I feel about him. That primal carnal want that comes from a realm beyond my understanding. I am afraid that V does not feel the same way I do. I don’t doubt that he has some sort of affection for me. Most people do. The beings that come through my sphere feel comfortable with me. I give them what they need. I give them the compassion and heartfelt human contact they crave. I am a stepping stone for better things for them. In its own way, it is a beautiful calling. But I am a sensitive soul. And giving, giving, giving…draining everything in me and then being left behind in my lonely space has taken its toll.
These past two weeks I have been away with my dear friend. We had a wonderful adventure and I felt alive for the first time in many years. I saw V as well. I felt something that people call happiness. That kind of powerful bliss that I have only felt a few times in my life. But last night I came back to the reality that my world is a glass house that has been vandalized. And the realization that I’m not a future for V. I’m not a future for my daughter. That my future on this planet has been compromised.
Which brings me to…All You Need is Love. It sounds elementary. But the Beatles, being awake, have written words that are true.
Nothing you can make that can’t be made
No one you can save that can’t be saved
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time
All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need
It is all you need. I understand that. I love and I love profoundly. I love to the point that I sacrifice my own wants, feelings and primal needs. But at the cost that this is taken for granted. And the people who receive my love are blind to it. But Dear World…I need it too. I want it too. As selfish as that is. I guess I haven’t grown yet. But I want to bask in the glow of it.