“Yesterday is but today’s memory, tomorrow is today’s dream” -Kahlil Gibran
There is a constant struggle inside of me. The one side is overwhelmed with the weight of it all. There are the material problems – money, mortgage, car payments. But there is also the emotional – raising a 10-year-old girl in this painful world, pending divorce, and the quest to make the dreams come true.
I sit here now as the most painful thing in my life is about to happen. My daughter, my little soulmate, will be sent away to live with her grandparents. At the moment, I do now wish to explain the events that led to this. It’s for the best. And a close friend of mine, who had to send her son away to a special school, once said to me…’honey, our children to do not belong to us.’ I didn’t understand that until I had to face my own decision. It’s temporary and for the best. But tell my heart that. It doesn’t understand. I spent the nights in a panic. Having nightmares about lizards attacking me. My ex yelling at me what a horrible mother I turned out to be. I know. You don’t have to show up in my dreams to tell me that. Deep in my core I know I messed up. And I must find my way back.
That darkness inside me. It makes me weak. And the throbbing pain inside whispers that it can easily be taken away. I think about all the ways I can do it. Ways that won’t be painful. Or dramatic. Just a quiet moment. A quiet sleep. And it will all go away.
It is selfish. And it would ruin her life. And that’s why I haven’t. But every day I live is more painful that the last. I live in a pool of tears. I live with the open wound.
That brings me to the other struggle. I want to live. I know I was put on this earth for something more than to experience pain. I know I have something great inside of me. I know that I will find love some day. A love that will consume me. A love that was meant for me. How can I find that if I am gone? If I failed that person too? Maybe if I can give something to the world. My talent, whatever that is, it will restore me somehow. It will help me earn my keep. And I can come back and be with my daughter and give her the life she deserves.
What is the eternal truth? It’s that all of us, no matter how strong, are connected by fear and hope. Coping and confronting the fear and harnessing the hope is what separates us.